housing

When I left my house, I was happy to move into an apartment that is cute and furnished. All I needed was me and a suitcase. But now, having not really lived in a home I can call mine for over a year, I'm starting to desire a home. Maybe I should find a place to rent and get some roommates. I'm not thrilled about the roommate thing, but it has occurred to me that I might be rushing into a relationship because I don't like living alone. Then again, I love my little place. After being solely responsible for taking care of a house (except for the rare moments when my ex felt like helping) it's nice to know that there's just not much to do! The dishes and a little sweeping. Occasionally some laundry. It's really very indulgent.

I wonder how important it is to my healing to have my own home? Is it important for me to do this alone? Eventually, I want to be married. I want to share my home with someone I love. I would love to have kids in it. Do I need to have my own place first?

a starting place

And now.....
After infertility, lost babies, a husband's infidelity, and now impending divorce, the question seems clear.

The answer does not.

A year ago, I never would have imagined myself in this place. I've got a good life going again. A good job, even it it's not exactly what I want (yet?). Good friends. Loving parents and a great sister. I'm so close to freedom from my ex I can taste it. I've had some good dates. There's a great man who desperately wants to love me.

I just can't get my head wrapped around it all. After working so hard for what I thought I wanted, it all fell apart. It was doomed and I think I've known that for a long time. Still, it's hard for a perfectionist to admit defeat.

Now, I have this great life. I'm trying to be patient on one hand, to let it unfold in a positive manner. On the other hand, I still want to perform much more, I want a loving husband, a home, and maybe even kids. I'm worried that I want these things so very badly that I'll convince myself of anything to get them.

So, anyone ready to say that I'm depressed? Sure. Maybe. I definitely have moments. Today wasn't easy. The up of realizing my ex might soon refinance the house and I can stop paying for his housing. The down of him dumping lots of emotional stuff on me every time we communicate. Today, it was serious stuff. His mom has late stage emphysema. Possibly lung cancer. He says she still goes on about how selfish we were to never give her grandkids. Yeah. Dead babies are my idea of fun. I just can't be there for him anymore, and yet I feel so incredibly guilty when I'm not.

Maybe I do need to go back to the shrink. Ugh.

I have this wonderful boyfriend. I was a dating machine from May-December last year. Did things I never thought I'd do and it was fun, but left me feeling empty. That's just not really who I am. Current boyfriend is called Spikey. He's hot, if a little short. He's brilliant. A Ph.D. in a branch of science. He cooks, and does chores with a spring in his step. Seriously, it's like dating a guy from the "Porn for Women" series. (Well, he's not yet doing the dishes nude, but that could change.)

He's also really religious. I'm exploring my religion. This is coming from the daughter of a guy who is a philosophy and ethics professor by day and an interim Baptist pastor on the weekends. (Albeit, the most liberal Baptist I've ever known!) I can say with certainty that religion has a place in my life. That's about where I stand for now. I think I'm a pretty moral person, but not in a way that conservatives in the US would agree. Spikey is Catholic. There are definitely some road bumps ahead.